


Luminance

by iwasraisedtokeepquiet



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depersonalization, Derealization, mention/background kuroken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:02:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25611007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwasraisedtokeepquiet/pseuds/iwasraisedtokeepquiet
Summary: He lets himself feel everything. He feels it. Like everything’s finally fallen into their rightful place. Like his soul is no longer a few degrees off of his body.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 6





	Luminance

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: although i have talked to a psychologist about depersonalization and derealization recently, it wasn't really a full(?) diagnosis so please keep that it mind. this au/fic relates my recent experience of "fully coming back to my body". i was just so overwhelmed by it(in a really good way) 'cos it has been quite a while since i felt real and i just wanted to document the feeling and share it somehow. so... yeah. :)

Kenma wakes up slowly.

He opens his eyes to see the mid-afternoon sun filtering through the spaces between the blinds in their bedroom, painting warm lines through his skin, and illuminating the dust motes passing through them like dancing little fairies rejoicing his wakefulness.

He turns to lie on his back, stretching like a cat and extending his arms above his head. That’s when he notices something different. _No, not something different. Something familiar, something I haven’t felt in quite a while_ , he thinks.

He inspects his hand, turning it in every which way, his eyes travel to his arms and focus on the mark by the middle of his inner arm to the faded scar on his left thumb.

It takes him a moment to realize what’s changed, seeing his hand flexing and _feeling_ it. Kenma lets out a soft gasp and sits up rather quickly, fingertips now covering his mouth as he exhales, “They feel like my own again.”

He’s forgotten how long it has been since he felt this way last. He lets himself take it all in, lets himself feel as much as he could, as much as his brain could process.

He roams his eyes around their room, registering as much as he can although not without some apprehension that the feeling might disappear sooner than it came.

But he stops himself and lets his lungs fill with air, feeling his chest expand with it. _I need to slow down_ , he tells himself. _I have time._

Kenma closes his eyes and lets his hands run through the softness of their covers and fluffiness of their pillows before his hands map their way to his thighs then to his torso. He then scrunches up the old shirt he’s wearing, the broken pieces of the print lightly digging to his skin.

He remembers picking up the shirt from Kuro’s side of the closet the night before, remembers the way it hangs on him from how big it is, now feeling the stretch of it from where he’s pulling at the front with his tight fists.

Opening his eyes once again, Kenma looks around their room; he marvels at the feeling of how he’s here, present and real, connected to everything that is in this room no matter how big or small, may it be some random trinket or something as important as the treasured cat-shaped lava lamp he gifted Kuro for their anniversary last year.

He lets himself feel everything. He feels it. Like everything’s finally fallen into their rightful place. Like his soul is no longer a few degrees off of his body.

Kenma vividly hears the whistle of the kettle, inviting him to join Kuro in their kitchen and have his first meal of the day. He stands up slowly as to not cause any misalignment, but the moment the coolness of the floor seeps through his toes, it’s like another gear has slotted into place and his eyes form another bout of tears as he savors the shivers running through his body.

Kenma’s immediately intercepted by Masumi as soon as he steps out of their room, he picks up their gray cat from between his legs to keep her from tripping him up and immediately buries his nose into her fur. He’s glad that the cat doesn’t reject the affection like she usually does as he inhales lightly.

As soon as he enters the kitchen, Kenma’s taken aback by the light coming from the open kitchen window, bathing the room with a bright glow. The light enveloping the room and highlighting the details he’s never paid attention to before has a different brightness to it, a different luminance that differentiates the fogged up view clouding his vision most of the time from the vision he’s seeing now.

He’s been chasing this feeling of realness for such a long time and he has finally caught up to it. Not being able to hold up his tears any longer, Kenma lets out a sob and that’s when Kuro notices him.

Kenma sees the recognition in Kuro’s eyes, registering the clarity in Kenma’s eyes. He’s given a soft smile and an offer to come to his boyfriend’s arms which he gladly takes, only to feel more, to relish more sensation, to find more proof of being, of his own realness, of connection.

The feeling he’s been adamantly chasing but can never grasp before, oftentimes escaping a mere breath from his fingertips, is now enveloping him. 

“I’m back,” he whispers to himself, to Kuro, to their cats, their kitchen and to the world.

Kenma knows this won’t last for long. But he’ll take it. He’ll save and keep the memory of what he’s feeling now to last however long the next bout of unreality will be.

But right now, he’s present. This time he knows he’s truly back in his body. This time he is sure he’s real.

**Author's Note:**

> i just randomly searched these cat names but they have 2 cats(for now) named as:
> 
> masumi – true clarity  
> yasuko – child of peace
> 
> 🐈
> 
> Here are some videos regarding depersonalization and derealization, since as i have mentioned in the disclaimer, i haven't been clinically diagnosed:
> 
> [What Are Derealization & Depersonalization Disorder? - BetterHelp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCcxWq_J0YU&feature=youtu.be)
> 
> this video of dodie means a lot to me since it's where i realized that it's not just me and other people do experience the things that i have been feeling for the longest time. and it was so good to not feel alone about this.  
> [My condition that makes me feel like i'm dreaming all the time | derealisation/depersonalisation](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfOHh5mt9SM&feature=youtu.be)
> 
> here's another video with dodie along with a therapist, kati morton, discussing these disorders.  
> [what is derealisation / depersonalisation?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6iVspBWzZU)
> 
> please do note that these videos are from 2017 and the most recent is from last year.
> 
> i highly suggest consulting with a professional if you feel like you may also be experiencing this, but you can also dm me or message me through cc, but i can only share my personal experience.
> 
> here's my [cc account](https://curiouscat.qa/iwrtkeepquiet).
> 
> here's the link to the [Twitter thread](https://twitter.com/iwrtkeepquiet/status/1288838528982384640).
> 
> thank you for reading and i hope your heart may rest well and content tonight. 💙💙💙


End file.
